Jun 10, 2009

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How To Survive in Prison

survive-prison-1As a person who got into a lot of trouble as a kid, nothing worries me more than what a normal, everyday person would have to do to survive prison. Prison seems kind of like church camp: You don’t know how you got there, you just want to go home, and everyone is crazy, but instead of scripture being pounded into you, it’s sh**s and pe**ses.  So how can you survive prison, a place where r**e is an everyday occurrence for a 20-something, upper-middle class, soft, fresh boy-fish?  A few simple steps will help ensure that you make it out of the Big House with your life, and at least some of your dignity, still intact.

Learn the “Bid’ness”

Prison systems have their own economy.  If you are able to manage your finances outside of the Big House, then you already know the basic principles that can help you to succeed in the Pen. Of course, there are some subtle differences:  in the real world, people exchange money for goods and services.  In prison, currencies called “cigarettes” and “drugs” are exchanged for “blo**obs” and “legal advice”.  Your best bet, as a soft young boy who wants to avoid blo**obs as much as possible, will be to head to the prison library, pronto.  Spend all of your free time reading up on legal matters, specifically those that pertain to “getting someone out of the sla**er”.

This practice will benefit you in two ways: first, you’ll be able to exchange “legal advice” to other inmates for “cigarettes” or “drugs”, which you can then exchange for “protection” and “not getting ra**d as much”.  Furthermore, you don’t tend to sweat much when you’re in the library all day, which means that you won’t have to shower as much, and showering less equals getting ra**d less.  That’s just basic prison math, as illustrated below:

Don’t Get Killed

Survival will be your first and foremost priority, and what better way to ensure your survival than by creating an important, necessary role for yourself right away?  As sure as there are gangs in prison, there will be another soft young boy there that is only alive because he tells tons of funny jokes and is good at getting ra**d. This guy will be easy to spot: he’ll be the one without tattoos, his hair will be nicely combed, and in between his daily savage ra**s, he’ll be surrounded by a group of laughing inmates, telling jokes to them at a pace that rivals an old-skool Robin Williams.

This guy is your competition. There’s only room for one funny guy.  Both of you know this.  Eventually, there’s going to be a huge, epic showdown-type prison fight between the two of you. You must kill him and rise to power, thus becoming the guy that’s good at getting ra**d and telling tons of funny jokes. It’s the only way you’ll come out alive.

Be A Good R**e Victim

Let’s just face the facts: your soft, supple skin is going to be irresistible to the rest of the prison population. R**e is unavoidable. You’re the closest thing to a woman most of these guys have seen in years, so you’d better get used to getting r**ed.  In fact, you’d better get damn good at it. You’re probably thinking, “What!? Get good at being ra**d? I’d s**t my pants everyday, so that no one would want to r**e me!”

Before you jump straight to pants-sh**ing tactics, remember this age-old prison adage: “A little doo-doo in the pants does not a r**e deter.”  Basically, it means that you’re probably going to get ra**d no matter what, so don’t fight it.  If you’re getting ra**d, you definitely don’t want to prolong the experience by complaining or crying or passing out, thus becoming a bad lay. When it comes to prison “relationship”, a figurative “dead fish” quickly becomes a literal “dead fish”, so your best bet at survival will be to simply f*&k him back. Communication is important. Ask him what he likes, and then cater to his needs. A little romance never hurt anything either.  Soft, romantic music can often times turn a brutal savage r**e, into a gentler, more intimate savage r**raprae.

Of course, the easiest way to avoid an epic prison fail is to avoid going to prison altogether, but if you must go to prison, following these few tips will help you to survive any prison stint, whether it be 5 to 10 or straight up 69.

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Jun 10, 2009

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The 10 Most Expensive Cars in the World

They’re luxurious, they’re lustworthy, they’re fast– they’re also the world’s most expensive.  These 10 cars are the most expensive models you can buy today, from Maybach to Mercedes, Bugatti to Lamborghini.  While only the richest of the rich can afford them, we can still drool.  Here are the 10 most expensive production cars available on the road today…

Before we get started, a few notes to remember.  There are single or custom cars that may exceed these prices.  For example, a 1961 Ferrari 250GT sold for $11 million this year, making it the world’s most expensive car.  These, however, are recently produced cars that are available today in quantities of 20 or more.  Without further adieu, enjoy!

maybach-62-sedan10. Maybach 62 Sedan: $390,000

While the Maybach brand was initially founded in 1909, it was reintroduced by Daimler Chrysler in 2002 to compete with Rolls Royce and Bentley.  Six years later, the “Luxury Brand Status Index” voted the Maybach as the #1 luxury car– ahead of both Bentley and Rolls.  If price is any indicator, the Maybach 62 runs at $390,000, a good $50k higher than a Rolls Royce Phantom and $200k higher than a Bentley Continental GTC.  What does that extra scratch get you?  The ultimate in luxury, powered by a 5.5L twin-turbo V12 engine pushing 612 horses.  But you won’t get behind the wheel– this extended cab model is intended for your chauffeur.  You’re busy in the back with models like Rosie Huntington Whitley.

9. Porsche Carrera GT: $420,000

Going from luxury to performance in 3.5 seconds, the Porsche Carrera GT is a very different car than the Maybach above.  The engines are quite similar– the Carrera GT is powered by a 5.7L V10 engine producing the same 612 HP as the Maybach.  But with one glance at the Porsche, you know this beast means business.  The Porsche Carrera GT hits sixty from zero in 3.5 seconds, as well as 100mph from a standing start in just 6.8 seconds.  This mid-engine street machine was given the wheel base, air dams and carbon fiber body elements of a pro racer with street legal sensibility.

8. Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren: $450,000

While production ended on Mercedes’ top roadster this year, a savvy (see also: rich) shopper can find one of the 3,500 produced available for resale.  A bit more powerful than the Porsche Carrera GT, the McLaren SLR includes a 5.4L SOHC V8 that generates a maximum power output of 626 horsepower.  That pushes this 2-ton Mercedes monster to 60mph in 3.6 seconds, topping out at 208mph.

7. Koenigsegg CCX: $520,000

By the time you pronounce the name Koenigsegg phonetically, this puppy is already at 60mph.  The Swedish born Koenigsegg CCX is amongst the fastest street legal cars on the road, this one hitting 60mph in 3.2 seconds.  It is powered by a 4.7L V8 engine with two centrifugal superchargers that help push this baby to 806 horsepower.  If you’re in the market, we suggest the CCXR version– which is built to run on biofuels, which by nature gives this Swedish beauty a 25% increase in power…

6. Saleen S7 Twin Turbo: $585,000

One of two true American sports car on this list, the Saleen S7 Twin Turbo earns its place the old fashioned way– with balls-to-the-wall power.  The S7 Twin Turbo is powered by a stunning 750 horsepower V8 engine with twin turbochargers.  That muscle takes this California beauty to 60mph in 3.2 seconds, but it accelerates further by hitting 200mph in just 27 seconds.  Rewind to the beginning of this paragraph and read it again– and the Saleen S7 Twin Turbo has passed 200mph from a standing start.

5. SSC Ultimate Aero: $620,000

It may not be the most recognizable name on this list, but it should be– the SSC Ultimate Aero is the fastest production car on the planet.  Like the S7 Twin Turbo above, this one is manufactured in America by Shelby Supercars (SSC).  The Ultimate Aero, however, holds the production speed record at 256.15mph– doing so with an 1,183 horsepower, 6.35L twin-turbo V8.  It gets better– SSC has also produced the Ultimate Aero EV, an all-electric model which will eat Jason Calacanis’ Tesla Roadster for breakfast…

4. Enzo Ferrari: $640,000

What’s a top car list without a Ferrari?  The Enzo Ferrari has rightfully earned its place among the world’s most expensive cars with one of the brand’s most powerful cars of all time.  The Enzo, named after Ferrari’s founder, is a 12-cylinder mid-engine street beast that uses F1 technology for body construction, sequential transmission and braking.  The result is a supercar that can accelerate to 60mph in 3.14 seconds toward a top speed of 220mph.  Only 400 of the Enzo Ferrari were produced, and it isn’t likely any of its current owners would be foolish enough to let one of these go.  But hey, these are tough economic times…

3. Lamborghini Reventon: $1,300,000

Lamborghini’s lone entry to the most expensive cars in the world is none other than the fiesty Reventon.  The Lamborghini Reventon is a limited-edition, mid-engine sportscar that only 20 of the world’s richest racing fans can afford.  This V12 street bullet has 650 horses under its hood, enough to push the Reventon to 60mph in 3.4 seconds with a top speed of 210mph.  If you ever see one of these 20-of-a-kind Lambo’s on the street, consider it a once-in-a-lifetime moment.

2. Bugatti Veyron: $1,400,000

In years past, the Bugatti Veyron would have been the world’s most expensive car, until it was unseated this year by the next model on our list.  That’s not to lessen the importance of the Veyron– this is a dream car to best all dream cars.  The Veyron is powered by a 987 horsepower W16 engine that achieves a top speed of 253mph.  Getting there, the Veyron can hit 60mph in a stunning 2.46 seconds.  It has muscle like very few others, fused with a signature style that is unique to the Bugatti brand.  While the Veyron has finally been kicked off the peak of this toplist, it remains one of the most lustworthy cars in the world– regardless of its price…

1. Aston Martin One 77: $1,500,000

The new king of the world’s most expensive autos wears the Aston Martin logo.  The Aston Martin One 77, revealed this summer, will be sold for 1,000,000 British Pounds Sterling, which converts roughly to $1.5 Million USD.  Only 77 of the One 77 will be produced– and all 77 are already sold.  This V12-powered Aston is a true supercar, exceeding 60mph in 3.5 seconds on its way to a 200+ top speed.  If you’re one of the lucky 77 to get your hands on one of these machines, we’d love the generous offer of a test drive.  Who wouldn’t?

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Jun 10, 2009

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The World’s 5 Creepiest Places

mary-kingMary King’s Close, Edinburgh, Scotland

For years the hidden underground closes of Mary King’s Close, in the Old Town area of Edinburgh, Scotland, have been shrouded in myths and mysteries. Tales of ghosts and murders, and myths of plague victims being walled up and left to die abounded.

The Real Mary King’s Close consists of a number of closes which were originally narrow streets with houses on either side, stretching up to seven storeys high. In 1753, the Burgh Council decided to develop a new building on this site, the Royal Exchange (now the City Chambers). The houses at the top of the closes were knocked down and part of the lower sections were kept and used as the foundations for the Royal Exchange. The remnants of the closes were left beneath the building, dark and ancient dwellings steeped in mystery.

Following research into new documentary and archaeological evidence uncovered by Continuum, for the first time the real lives of some of the people who lived here have been traced and their stories can now be told. At The Real Mary King’s Close you will see an historically accurate interpretation of life in Edinburgh from the sixteenth to the nineteenth centuries.

Chernobyl, Pripyat, Ukraine

Prypiat (Ukrainian: ?????’???, Pryp”jat’; Russian: ????????, Pripjat’), or Pripyat, is an abandoned city in the zone of alienation in northern Ukraine, Kiev Oblast, near the border with Belarus. The city was founded in 1970 to house the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant workers, and was abandoned in 1986 following the Chernobyl disaster. Its population had been around 50,000 prior to the accident.

It is difficult to accurately quantify the number of deaths caused by the events at Chernobyl

The Chernobyl disaster was a nuclear reactor accident at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine, then part of the Soviet Union. It is considered to be the worst nuclear power plant disaster in history and the only level 7 instance on the International Nuclear Event Scale. It resulted in a severe release of radioactivity into the environment following a massive power excursion which destroyed the reactor.

Paris Catacombs, Paris, France

Underground stone quarries that hold the 200-year-old skeletons of several million people.

The Catacombs of Paris or Catacombes de Paris are a famous underground ossuary in Paris, France. Its entrance is located near the Denfert-Rochereau station of the Paris Métro. Organized in a renovated section of the city’s vast network of subterranean tunnels and caverns towards the end of the 18th century, it became a tourist attraction on a small scale from the early 19th century and has been open to the public on a regular basis from 1867. The official name for the catacombs is l’Ossuaire Municipal.

Bones and skulls are stacked on either side of a narrow corridor like merchandise at a warehouse—a lot of merchandise. The air is close and cool, with just a hint of decomposition, and there’s rude graffiti dating from the French Revolution, mainly about the king and the feeble nobility.

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Jun 10, 2009

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10 Biggest Parties Around the World

Mardi Gras? Carnival? Octoberfest? The Running of the Bulls? Been there. Done that. Everyone knows about these parties. They’re great. They’re famous. But most people go to them once and never come back. Let’s talk about parties where the same people return year after year.

La Tomatina

la-tomatnaWhat: Nobody is really sure how it began- practical joke? A harmless food fight between two merchants? A prank? No one knows but this messy fiesta has been a strong tradition since 1945. On the last Wednesday in August, about 30,000 people descend on this little town to participate in the world’s largest food fight. Never had that massive cafeteria food fight when you were younger? Well, here’s your chance.

When: The last Wednesday in August.

Where: The tiny town of Buñol in the Valencia region of Spain

Bring: Throw-away clothes and goggles! Tomato juice in the eye stings!  Learn more

Full Moon Party

What: Legend has it that the Full Moon Party started as a birthday party in the 80s. The backpackers decided to come back again and again. Soon word spread and every month, backpackers would head to KPG to party.

Over the years, the hippy party morphed into a 20,000 person festival. Even in the low season, the party still sees about 10,000 visitors. Many people will tell you that it’s lost its charm over the years but for a serious dose of all night (and all day) partying in Thailand, this is place to get it.

When: During the full moon, every month

Where: Ko Pha Ngan, Thailand

Bring: Your drinking shoes, a red bull, facepaint, and clothes you don’t care about. Learn more

Burning Man

What: Looking for the ultimate arts extravaganza? Burning Man is for you!

An 8 day festival that culminates in the burning of a 72ft wooden man, this festival is where you can cut loose.

Each year has a theme (this year, it’s “American Dream”) and last year 47,000 people decided to join the fun.

When: Starts 8 days before the American Labor Day, September

Where: Blackrock Desert, Nevada USA

Bring: Everything BUT money! Burning Man runs on a full barter system and the only things you can buy are water and ice.

Aside from the obvious supplies you’d take camping, other essentials include sunblock, a Camel Back and goggles.

MOST importantly, bring something that allows you to participate–that’s what Burning Man is all about.

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What: Songkran is the Thai New Year. It’s a spiritual festival designed to cool you down and wash away the sins of the previous year. What better way of doing that than by committing a few new ones, right away? Songkran takes place all over the country with everyone embarking on possibly the world’s largest water fight.

When: Mid-April

Where: Anywhere in the land of Smiles (Bangkok and Chang Mai have the biggest parties)

Bring: Anything you don’t mind wearing only once, a water gun, extra water, and a good attitude.
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Glastonbury Music Festival

What: A 3 day music festival designed to celebrate the earth, music, and the arts, this festival brings in people from all over the world. Last year’s event had over 177,000 people and 700 musical acts.

When: The last weekend in June

Where: Pilton, England

Bring: Tickets, a tent, sleeping bag, food, and whatever else you “need” to have fun.
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What: Similar to the Thai holiday of Songrkan, Holi is a two day Hindu spring festival that occurs in northern India. The first night is marked by bonfires, and the second day is spent pleasuring your inner 2nd grader by splashing colored flour and water over everybody. It’s a celebration about renewal.

When: The full moon in March.

Where: India

Bring: Red, orange, and green flour, lots of water, clothes you don’t need!
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Bay to Breakers

What: It’s supposed to be a 7 mile foot race but instead it’s a 7 mile costume party and keg race that goes through downtown San Francisco. It began in 1906 to keep people’s sprits up after the earthquake and locals are still keeping that alive, in force! Over 70,000 people, congregate downtown in costumes (or nothing at all) and shopping carts filled with kegs. A little Mardi Gras + a little Halloween college party = a lot of fun.

When: The third Sunday in May.

Where: San Francisco, California

Bring: A crazy costume and lots of beer!
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Australia Day

What: Australians love two things: beer and bbqs. No day brings out the best in these two than Australia Day,

when Aussies celebrate the first European settlement on the continent of Australia.

Aussies, a normally festive bunch, kick it up a notch all over the country with bbqs, music, and beer.

From the cities to the towns, Aussies are out in full force. If you don’t already have an Aussie friend to take you under his/her wing, head to a beach with beer and make some new friends!

Most Australians would love nothing more to break in a newbie!

When: January 26

Where: Anywhere in Oz!

Bring: Your Australian pride, a case of Carlton draught or Coopers, and something for the grill.
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Queen’s Day

What: The normally reserved Dutch cut lose to celebrate the birth of their Queen. Originally to celebrate the birth of Juliana, the day now celebrates the birth of Beatrix, whose January birthday makes it cold to party. All over the country, the Dutch head outside with their beer and music, flood the streets in orange, and cruise up and down the canals in revelry.

When: April 30th

Where: The Netherlands (Amsterdam has the biggest party)

Bring: Anything orange!
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Calgary Stampede

What: A 10 day rodeo that attracts over a million visitors during its course. The festival features a parade and is the largest event in Canada. But don’t come to watch the rodeo, come for the party! The throngs of people who flock to Calgary are there for the revelry, the beer, and the girls (or boys).

When: Second week in July

Where: Calgary, Alberta

Bring: Your best cowboy outfit and a tolerance for country music.
Learn more

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